Overwatch Skin Review: Overwatch Archives

The latest loot box event for Overwatch is a PvE focused event, bringing some additional background on the origins of the main cast. While last years’ event (featured along side the new event) focused on a mission during the height of the Omnic wars, Retribution occurs earlier in the timeline and focuses on an earlier version of the Talon criminal organization.

While the event focuses on Reaper, Moira, McCree and Genji (ensuring that you’ll have at least one MLGenji on your team at all times), the skins included non-featured characters like Sombra, Hanzo and Mei.

Without further ado, here’s the new and returning featured skins for Overwatch: Archives.

REAPER

Battle Readiness: Boots provide some moderate armor at the cost of mobility, long coat leave the potential for obscuring his body during combat at the risk of tripping on the coat tails. No head protection leaving him vulnerable to fire that isn’t blocked by utilizing his forearm guards.

Night on the Town: Trench coat is kinda 90’s which is due for a comeback but a little bit early still. Also, hand shotguns are likely to not be permitted at most establishments. Those boots don’t look to be made for dancing.

Verdict: The Soldier: 24 skin is only 32% as effective as the character Soldier 76.

MCCREE

Battle Readiness: His modern army shoes still have spurs on the back, good for close quarters combat with Talon’s rabid horse army. Cowboy hat provides low protective value but helps to cement the accent. Two human arms for better shooting accuracy.

Night on the Town: Ok, those spurs are just going to be a problem unless that just the kind of thing that goes down at that club. Poncho cloak is pretty adorable.

Verdict: It’s too bad the other skins can’t compete with the fact that this one has all human parts.

BASTION

Battle Readiness: (series of gear grinds and aggressive beeping noises)

Night on the Town: (suggestive booping noises)

Verdict: It’s more purple than most skins if that’s your thing.

MERCY

Battle Readiness: As a medic, Mercy is less dependent on armor, instead tending toward lightweight gear to provide maneuverability on the battlefield to aid an injured ally. That said, there’s no way that hat last ten minutes.

Night on the Town: In general, wings are a tough sell when you’re going out on the town. To the wrong person, they look sharp and potentially threatening. To the right person, they look sharp and potentially exciting. I guess it depends on what kind of person you are, deep in your soul.

Verdict: Changes radically with every balance patch until she’s just Hanzo2.

WINSTON

Battle Readiness: Winston appears to have both prepared himself for land and air combat. Armed with a jetpack that, at the wrong angle, will likely incinerate some part of his own body. If he managed to avoid self-immolation, his ability to drop from the sky and into combat is an important strategy to get him right up in the enemy’s business. Lots o’ armor except over his face, but face cables maybe cause a bullet to go slightly less far into his brain?

Night on the Town: He a monkey which is probably a non-starter right out of the gate. Add in the fire box and heavy armor and things are not looking good. Seems like another night at home with a jar of peanut butter and the Animal Channel.

Verdict: There’s no way that he’s not going to burn himself into a monkey crisp.

DOOMFIST

Battle Readiness: He has coated himself in sleek armor from chest to toe, with bonus armor points to his right hand which is just a really, really big hand. No face armor at all. It’s like they all have a secret agreement that face shots are not allowed.

Night on the Town: None of that looks like it’s made for dancing. Like, none of it is practically made for sharing space in a friendly way with another person.

Verdict: Very large hand.

GENJI

Battle Readiness: He’s mostly just a robot and scars, showing that universally he just gets murdered on the regular. As such, he’s the first kinda human character on our list to wear some head protection. He makes up for it by then just leaving what little bit of humanity he has left on him completely uncovered.

Night on the Town: I assume he’s there and it’s just really uncomfortable for everyone as his various artificial appendages whir and snap through the evening.

Verdict: Needs healing.

HANZO

Battle Readiness: I THINK that’s some kind of bullet proof vest making his chest extra puffy. Otherwise, doesn’t look like he’s ready to get out to commit some murder or to leave his brother for dead.

Night on the Town: Looking good Hanzo! You win the award for being a normal.

Verdict: Nightlife main.

REINHARDT

Battle Readiness: It’s like he looked at Doomfist’s right arm and said “like that but all over and blue but, please, for the love of beer and bratwurst, leave my battle scarred face open for all to see.”

Night on the Town: This just isn’t going to work. None of this is going to work.

Verdict: Needs some dang face armor.

MEI

Battle Readiness: Mei, that’s just your pajamas and some oven mitts. Why would you wear oven mitts to bed? Why are you wearing the same shirt from July?

Night on the Town: I guess it would fly but just be a little bit weird. Yeti slippers are just a reminder that she once cloned herself multiple times and murders Winston for sport.

Verdict: I can’t comprehend the oven mitts.

ORISA

Battle Readiness: ATTENTION MEAT SACKS, YOUR ELIMINATION IS NEAR. I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO SHOOT 7,000 BULLETS WITHOUT YIELD.

Night on the Town: BULLET SHOOTING CONTINUES.

Verdict: Unrelenting murder, likes puppies.

LUCIO

Battle Readiness: While his legs appear to be well armored, his entire upper body is vulnerable and brightly adorned, as if to say “dear enemies, please drop the bullets on this.”

Night on the Town: Pants light up to the music which is pretty handy but is offset by the fact that he insists on roller dancing, wrecking dance floors across town and leading to a near universal ban on Lucio in the club.

Verdict: It’s sad that he isn’t allowed into his natural environment due to his obsessive love of inline skating.

MOIRA

Battle Readiness: Well, it sure is shiny. Is it metal? Is it glam? What I can tell you is that face is getting shot.

Night on the Town: If that’s all metal then you’re going to be in for a hard time. That said, if it’s glam time she might just be the best equipped future horror murder to spend your Saturday night with.

Verdict: Adorable hat that might protect something, but certainly not the face.

SOMBRA

Battle Readiness: Featuring the best shin guard from Dick’s Sporting Goods’ kids soccer department and the kind of arm guard that say “hey, why do the shins get to have so much fun?” I don’t know about bullets but soccer balls better watch out.

Night on the Town: Hair is maybe the best out of the entire event. That said, she is wearing enough plastic to be, roughly, 80% recyclable. While that’s environmentally friendly, it is not necessarily nightlife friendly.

Verdict: Seriously, the bloody end of Overwatch is just everyone’s bodies in pristine condition with all their faces blown off.

TRACER

Battle Readiness: Sassiness? Check. 1980’s version of what 2020’s glasses would look like? Check. Completely exposed brain canister? CHECK.

Night on the Town: She does have some kind of disco ball or strobe light built into her chest making her a favorite at raves, electronica and very young children’s parties. Elbows can cut open your face if she does one of them floppy dances.

Verdict: Sunglasses like that aren’t helping with the sun, aren’t helping with the bullets and aren’t help you be cool Tracer, so just cut it out.

WIDOWMAKER

Battle Readiness: She seems to have some kind of extensive leg armor like many of the other Overwatch team. I assume that in this cartoon universe, the most vital of organs are stored between the knee and ankle. Don’t get me started on her head which has been painted bright blue to draw extra attention.

Night on the Town: She has a metal arm band with some kind of giant red indicator light on it. Looks like a total narc. Would be much better if all of her skin were blue.

Verdict: “AVAILABLE IN ARCHIVES LOOT BOXES”

TORBJORN

Battle Readiness: He’s holding a hammer and his arm is made out of some kind of factory service robot. He also has a jetpack that doesn’t work? Got a stained white tank top on, like he’s ready for battle with a bottle of cheap beer and falling asleep on a plastic chair.

Night on the Town: Not really that much going on at night, considering the sleeping in the plastic chair bit and his arm is a factory.

Verdict: You’ve reached the end of a very long set of reviews, all of which lead us to the conclusion that the heroes of Overwatch would love to have their faces removed from the rest of their bodies in the heat of battle.

Chaerb is a contributor to WorkRevolt.com presenting a fair mix of bad takes and bad jokes. If you're truly angry at your own personal sanity, you can find more bad jokes in comic book form at Giant Space Lizard.

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