Game Pitch: EA Royale

EA Headquarters, 3pm

Thanks for your time today, I know that you’re rather busy counting your various money piles. As both an analyst of video game consumer habits and someone adept at falsifying my background to get into high level video game meetings, I have a set of new game recommendations tailored to your game portfolio.

Picture it now, a collection of football (American), football (soccer), football (basketball) and football (hockey) players are traveling to sport olympics, Once they arrive they will partake in a series of sporting events mixing and matching various elements of each of their kinds of football. The goal is to take the already winning formula from your various Maddenses and shove them forcibly together until you have a good game I bet.

At least, that’s what would have happened if all 100 sports stars weren’t stranded on an island covered in weapons in the shape of sports balls, their goal is to murder everyone else to be the last person standing. There’s not, like, any rules for that on the island. They could just hang out and have fun. Oh, except for there’s a perfectly circular hoard of cannibalistic fans that are hungry for exactly 99 professional football players.

EA Headquarters, 3:10pm

I can tell that I have your interest, so let me tell you that I have a need to go fast. Imagine it now, the world greatest racing and fashion show is happening in Japan. All of the greatest street racers in the world need to speed their way to Japan in order to have a chance at being the best at speed while also being the best at fashion.

I know the fashion thing seems like a stretch but, trust me, it’ll work.

The problem is that as the cargo ship carrying the 100 fastest cars in the world approaches Japan, the ship explodes hurling all cars into Japan where they must compete to being the most fastest car…at any cost. Japan is covered in weapons and the giant salamander Hanzaki Daimyojin demands a sacrifice of 99 cars and until he is fed he will continue to consume the island of Japan utilizing a perfectly circular tsunami.

EA Headquarters, 3:20pm

You guys got Star Wars, right? Like, you can make Star Wars? A universe where the empire and rebels routine ship large amounts of people from one place to another? Preferably 100 people at a time and near islands? Maybe the Island world of Hoth But All Melted So It’s Lots Of Water And Probably Some Islands? I’m not saying that the game writes itself but I am saying that you’ve had worse ideas I’m sure. Plus you could do loot boxes this time, people can only be really, really mad about something like that only once I’m sure.

EA Headquarters, 3:25pm

I’ve got a few more here but it seems like everyone is leaving now. I’ll just yell out that 100 Sims on an island where all of their needs bars are just gun acquisition and “there can be only one” while the god of that cruel world has surrounded the city in water and removed the only ladder out. I’m sure we can implement a plane or something in there too if you’ll listen.

Please listen.

I’m good at games. These a good ideas for games.

EA Exterior, 3:32pm

(quiet mad crying)

Chaerb is a contributor to presenting a fair mix of bad takes and bad jokes. If you're truly angry at your own personal sanity, you can find more bad jokes in comic book form at Giant Space Lizard.

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